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One reason I like hiring help is the expertise and insight gained from working with professionals. Whether they’re a personal chef, travel agent, personal stylist, or newborn care expert, they often bring a different perspective and share ideas, tips, and advice I may not have thought of. This is especially true of our nannies when it comes to parenting advice.
When searching for the right nanny for our family, we wanted someone with experience in early childhood education. Our nanny, Erin, studied early childhood development in college and is a former Montessori preschool teacher. Our other former nanny, Kamisha, is a trained doula who started working with us as a night nanny. She is also a mom of three and has decades of experience working with and caring for children.
All that to say, they bring years of valuable experience, insight, and knowledge to our household. I am constantly trying to soak up as much as I can from them, and I wanted to share some of the best parenting advice they have given us over the years. It was honestly hard to not write a 5,000-word essay chock full of all the parenting tips I’ve gotten from them — but nobody has time for that! — so I narrowed it down to the top 3 best bits of parenting advice from our nannies…
Skip Ahead: Best Parenting Advice from Our Nannies
Best Parenting Advice From Our Nannies: Provide Choices Within Limits
This idea of “choices within limits” comes from the Montessori philosophy, and perhaps unsurprisingly, this parenting advice was taught to us by Erin, our nanny with the Montessori background.
“The idea is that every kid can make their own choices, be their own independent person, and we're there to just kind of guide them,” she says. “The parent sets the limit and then the kid can make their own choices within that [limit].”
For example, if your toddler is learning to dress themselves in the winter when it’s cold outside, you might give them three long-sleeved shirts to choose from.
“They get to choose themselves and pick out which shirt they want to wear, but you've set the limit of: it's cold outside, we're wearing a long sleeve shirt,” Erin says.
When it comes to dinner, this might mean asking, “Do you want broccoli or zucchini?” rather than an open-ended question of “What do you want?” (because 9/10 they will just say candy). Or, if it’s time to go upstairs to take a bath, ask “Do you want to run up the stairs or crawl up the stairs?”
“Instead of me saying “go upstairs and take a bath, it becomes ‘Oh, what fun thing do I get to choose now?’” Erin says. “Kids don't really have that much control over their lives, they're kind of told what to do all the time and this gives them a little bit of control, while still making sure they’re living a healthy, happy life.”
Best Parenting Advice From Our Nannies: Yes Means Yes, and No Means No
The one-liner that has helped our household the most is "yes means yes, and no means no." This is the absolute best parenting advice from our nannies. This phrase has helped prevent tantrums and breakdowns 9/10 times in our household.
“If mom says no, that means no. That means we're not going to continue to ask, we're not going to keep trying to negotiate. We trust that mom's word is what it is,” says Kamisha. “What you get into if you're not solid in your stance, is a kid who will whine and whine and whine and complain and cry until they get their way because mom and dad just get so tired of the whining.”
Kamisha says while it can be tempting to give in to your kid, not wavering sets an important boundary that ultimately gives them a sense of security.
“Kids want boundaries,” she says. “Without boundaries in place, kids don't know what's going to happen from one moment to the next, and they need that stability and security.”
My partner and I don't even have to say the words “no means no” that often anymore to our kids, because it's the action and follow through that we’ve shown by not wavering once a decision has been made that has taught them the lesson that our words matter.
These days when we do use the phrase it’s usually in front of each other when one of us is starting to receive pushback from the kids about a decision. The phrase is a safe and gentle way of reminding the other parent, "Hey - I've got your back. Keep sticking to your guns and don't give in." It is short, simple, and doesn't require anyone to raise their voice, but gets the message across that this is the final decision. When children sense even an ounce of "maybe" in your tone, they will attempt to negotiate and manipulate to get what they want.
On the flip side, honoring your “yeses” is just as important. “If you say ‘at five o'clock I'm going to stop work and we're going to go outside and play,’ then you need to honor that,” says Kamisha. “You need to honor your word and the promise that you made to your kid.”
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Best Parenting Advice From Our Nannies: Resist The Urge To Intervene
One thing both of our nannies have emphasized is the importance of fostering independence and letting your kids work through a task rather than intervening when you see them struggling. Even when you were supposed to be out the door 5 minutes ago and your daughter is struggling with her shoes, which you know you could just put on for her in 5 seconds…
“But if you let her work through it, she'll put them on, she'll start laughing, and she'll be proud of herself,” says Kamisha. “Whereas if I step in and do it, we haven't solved anything other than getting out the door faster. She hasn't learned anything.”
This parenting advice of not intervening is part of the overall “Lighthouse Parenting” philosophy, which I recently spoke to HuffPost about. Lighthouse parenting is the idea that you are there to reliably guide your children, while allowing them to figure things out for themselves rather than constantly stepping in. It’s the healthy opposite of “helicopter parenting” and aims to help them learn to be independent and handle problems as they arise.
“A lot of times we get uncomfortable in our impatience as we're sitting there waiting for them to hurry up and finish because we need to go work on dinner or send an email, and so we’ll do that task for them,” says Kamisha. “But the whole goal of parenting is to raise kids so they can be productive members of society and handle things on their own.”
Another example of this parenting advice is allocating enough time to have your kids help set up activities and clean up afterwards even if this means something may take twice as long as just doing it yourself.
For example, Erin says if they’re going to the beach she’ll have the kids help get the towels, pack the lunchboxes, make the snacks, and pack the car — and then help put everything away after they get back.
“Every step of it, they need to be a part of it, which sometimes makes it harder. I could do it so much quicker by myself and get so much less sand everywhere,” she says. “After they go to take their nap, I'm vacuuming up sand from everywhere, but it's so important for them to see that going to the beach is this bigger activity. It takes a lot of work and effort, and don't take it for granted.”
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Best Parenting Advice I Can Give: Hire Help at Home
One of the many benefits of hiring a nanny is that they can help provide the bandwidth needed for fostering this independence as kids are learning how to do tasks themselves. In this case, you are not just paying for extra hands, you are buying time. By investing in that extra support, a nanny or sitter can ensure there’s enough time in the morning for everyone to tie their shoelaces themselves and get out the door on time, while you get ready for your own workday. Then later, when you’re spending quality time with your kids you’re capable of being patient as they figure things out because you have a reliable support team that has tackled other tasks and freed up some of your time and mental load. That’s what makes a Peacock Parent: embracing delegation to achieve a healthier work-life balance so that you can actually enjoy parenthood and prioritize quality time with your family.
I hope this parenting advice from our nannies was helpful for you as well! Ready to hire your own household help? Learn more about Proxy: the best source for the best professionals at the best price. You can also check out our free parenting resources to learn more parenting tips.
